Confessions...

I am really down and upset today. Just got off the phone from my Mum who just made me even more upset - I hate people that just go "okay dear"...aghhhhh

I have put on 5kg this year, I look horrible and I feel horrible. I looked in my wardrobe this morning and thought I have no clothes but then I looked and I actually have heaps of funky clothes just absolutely none of them fit me but I my gym track pants and my gym stretch 3/4 pants which I have to wear to work because of this reason. So each day I feel like a sloth because I can't fit into my own clothes.

I am just soo disappointed with myself.

In high school I was over weight and then after shcool I really pushed myself to be what I wanted, it was easy, living at home, no boyfriend etc...now I am back to what I was like in high school all over again.

Yesterday I watched some video footage from our honeymoon earlier this year and I could hardly believe that person looking back at me. I looked great - I could see my cheekbones and I was even wearing a bikini and looked good.

So I asked myself "what has changed to make me put on the weight?" Well I guess... being honest a number of things:-

* I stopped going to the gym for a couple of months
* I have been picking at chocolate or icecream - sometimes having a binge
* I overate at dinner time, be it healthy food but still...

I think they are the main things....

When I was sick the other day I sat down and wrote out a 6-week exercise & nutrition program for myself and Stu. He used to be extremely fit, doing triathlons etc but with work being soo hectic this year he just hasn't done anything and has been eating quite a bit of junk too....so I showed him the plan which he loved and we discussed that we need to change our actual lifestyle not just our exercise & food.

So changes that will commence (for me this Sunday for Stu Tuesday as he is away):-

* We will get up each morning at 6am to exercise - this is just wasted time for us at the moment, not utilising it & therefore at night we can spend time with our dogs and doing other stuff
* We will play squash once a week as a form of cardio & for something fun - a set day each week
* We will also have a night without tv at all - at the moment I find tv is ruling my life, I have to be home by a particular time to watch certain programs...very sad
* No more stir frys or foods where I cannot control my portion sizes
* Breakfast will be eaten at home rather than work - we normally eat at work but we always get interrupted by customers and it has to be something basic so it can be eaten on the run, like toast with jam etc....but from now on whilst Stu is having a shower after training I will whip up an awesome protein packed breakkie for us both and will also make our lunches for the day and instead of starting work at 8am will start at 9am to take these extra chores into account


And there are a few others but that is the basic main changes we will be making.

I now this is a whinge and its all my own fault. You hear people say "how can someone get soo big without knowing?". Well they know, but they choose to ignore it for as long as they can. I have been blindly going along each day and hoping to change but not actually changing.

I am a person that is scared of everything - i am certainly not a daredevil - I am always wondering what is going to go wrong, each time Stu hops on a plane (which is often) I pray nothing happens to him etc... I am scared to push myself. When I get stressed I have before got quite bad chest pains which I did go to the doctor about but I can't remember the name of it but anyways I get scared because I don't want to get those pains during cardio again because it really scared me...now this was 2 years ago and I am still scared to push myself - I mean seriously, I need to take action.

I am confident that with both myself and Stuart embarking on this "lifestyle" change we will conquer it today I am just upset and down.

Mainly because I also get confused. Yesterday I had a quite good eating day, I didn't get to eat much except breakfast and lunch at work (which were small healthy foods) as we were so busy, then when I got home I made up a big stirfry, chicken mince, chickpeas, capsicum, onion, mushrooms, brown rice and a sweet chilli sauce - I had a good amount, not small but not massive massive and then I confess I did have 6 marshmellows BUT my stomach is the biggest its ever been, hard as a rock and I look about 5 months pregnant - I glimsped myself in the mirror going to bed and couldnt' stop crying....

Anyways I am not feeling sorry for myself at all, I am angry at myself for not being able to take control, for working soo hard a few years ago and now wasting it and feeling like this again....I feel lost and spinning out of control........